Sweet Little Mystery

Murray Mints - causing a stir.

This column has teeth.

Not here will you find any sucking-up to authority or any sugar-coating of the important issues.

It must be no surprise then that one chewy controversy stands out on the confectionery counter this week.

Like a red Opal Fruit in a family bag full of disappointing greens, Marcus Trescothick's Murray Mints 'cough' is the only topic in town.

It took the former England opener at least half of his international and county career, apparently, to conduct the necessary research before he could pronounce with confidence that MMs are out on their own.

Leaders in their field, they are simply the best when it comes to applying shine and achieving swing on a cricket ball.

The response of the International Cricket Council said it all, of course, about Trescothick's in-the-know tip on the top brand for the perfect blend of sweet saliva.

"Using artificial methods to shine the ball is illegal," their spokesman confirmed.

"But we are not going to outlaw sucking sweets," he added.

Just as Trescothick's is a revelation that is not a revelation, so the ICC's reaction is a reaction that is not a reaction.

Like everyone else who has ever either played at any significant level or has spent any time with cricketers in the bar, administrators know two things about sweets and balls.

Number one, the practice is habitual through first-class cricket; whether it works or not - and there is evidence scientific and anecdotal in either camp - one sight of a swinging ball perplexing batsmen and bringing a rush of unexpected wickets, within seconds of being licked by a Murray Mint-sucking first slip, will ensure the temptation endures.

Second, how on earth do you add a boiled-sweet censure or recommendation to the Laws of Cricket - without inviting ridicule on a sport viewed by many in the first place as a fairly daft irrelevance?

The ICC will not be tempted to do so, of course - but if they were, they would presumably have to canvass the candid thoughts of Trescothick and others to be sure they were not banning the wrong substance.

What is to say, too, that Trescothick is not deliberately selling the authorities a jelly dummy?

MMs, for all they know, may be nothing more than a minty decoy.

Who knows where the real secret lies?

Some sweetmeats can be discounted for obvious reasons.

For example - even if they were effective - ice buns (too sticky), candy floss (cumbersome, and difficult to conceal), Turkish Delight (too exotic) and gob-stoppers (choking hazard) are simply not on the menu.

There is probably more to be said for Midget Gems, Wine Gums, even the aforementioned chews - since rebranded but known eternally as Opal Fruits in many minds.

The world, it seems, must simply sit and wait.

Wherever the next instalment of this sugary red herring is published, it will presumably have its principal desired effect - keeping copies of 'Coming back to Me' jumping off the shelves.

That, of course, can only be good news for Trescothick once his playing and sucking days are over.

NHS dentists are always in demand in Taunton these days, you know...

David Clough