News From The Far Side
Future Olympian: Can Allan Lamb and KP lead their countrymen to Gold?
Cricket is set to make a return as an Olympic Sport at the 2012 London games in a bid by the local organising committee to give the Games a home flavour.
Cricket was last seen at the Olympic Games at the 1900 Summer games in Paris, when Great Britain beat France by 159 runs.
Following in the footsteps of rugby administrators, who have campaigned for the abridged "Sevens" version of their sport to join the Olympic fold, London's Organizing Committee is proposing that the nations of the world do battle for Gold, Silver and Bronze in "French Cricket."
A secret hidden camera, planted by a NFS operative in the hat of a match official, whose identity must remain anonymous, confirmed the news by capturing a conversation supposedly regarding the "ball change" during the Third Test between England and South Africa.
"Has the Committee got the go for London?" said unnamable official number one.
"It's in the bag, all we need is confirmation about the one-hand-one-bounce rules and it's as good as settled. Which ball shall we give 'em then?" replied unnamable official number two.
"Does it matter? They're just going to start whingeing again when it gets scuffed up, anyway. What's for lunch, oh, I hope it's a spot of curry," replied number one.
Once the news was out, the powers that be were quick to justify their decision.
"French Cricket is clearly the way forward, especially for developing nations," Organising Committee spokesman R.U. Forreal told the Putney Morning Herald.
"In French Cricket one doesn't need expensive things like wickets and large fields. Plus you can play with a tennis ball, so if you hit it over the fence it's not an issue to have it replaced.
"We'll just have to be careful when it comes to ball tampering - balls will have to be checked regularly to ensure they retain their fuzziness."
England have already begun to set up their team structure for the Games. In Olympic tradition only true Englishmen were considered for the team.
Considering that French cricket requires less physical endeavour than the traditional version, the England selectors have decided to choose a team based on experience and one that will reflect the true strength of England cricket over the years.
Hampshire and England skipper Kevin Pietersen is set to captain the side while Allan Lamb is expected to be his understudy. Andrew Strauss' cut and pull shots make him a natural selection.
Another former England captain Tony Greig shall be team manager and former rugby player Mike Catt will round off the most English of management teams.
Pietersen's appointment has been met with joy in his 'home' county of Hampshire.
"I are just luving Kivin. He are my hero. I fink everyone in Engeland jus' luv him," said Hampshire local and Hampshire fan club chairperson Annalize van Zyl.
"If KP come anywar near Annie, I will gif him a PK," said Jaco van Zyl, the fan club's vice-chairman.
The news has received a mixed reaction in Pakistan judging by the reaction of Mohammad Asif.
"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything," said Asif.
As expected the news was warmly greeted by members of La Federation Française des Unions de Cricket et Raquette or La FFUCER. Of course in France, "French Cricket" is known simply as "Cricket."
"C'est quoi le Cricket? Ce n'est pas ce jeu de con des anglais où on essaie de tapper les balles sous les petits ponts en fer dans le jardin?" (Isn't Cricket quaint? In an age of cross-channel cooperation and tea breaks, what could be more refreshing ? ) said La FFUCER president Marcel Latecut.
By Ross Hastie
Ross Hastie also digs up News from the Far Side for our large but lovable friends over at Planet Rugby. You can read it here ...